The Amount of Energy I Expend is Equal to the Size of the Check

I do hate to say it, dear ones, but Frumpie here is a fickle critter. She loves working for her clients, but when that work isn’t properly rewarded, she abandons much of her interest in going above and beyond for said clients. This particular thorn in the side is a lovely new publication that refuses to pay what Frumpie is worth. Frumpie agreed to three articles to build credibility in this new area. However, these are three articles that will not pull much in the way of effort from yours truly.

I tried negotiating higher pay. However, the publisher is not interested in budging. I want so very badly to drop this particular pain on his arse.  The contracts are signed and I’m living in the land of Regret. Alas, we do not go back on our word no matter how much we kick ourselves for it later. We shall, however, garner extensions so that the summer is not a total waste of time on low-paying nonsense.

There You Go, Killing My Cat Again

Oh, Frumpie wouldn’t have even responded, but curiosity is such a devious beast. The client from the big project, the one that took three invoices and a lawyer’s letter to get a check from, has just sent a note asking Frumpie if she was ever asked to work on a similar project? The way it was phrased indicates the clueless soul has no idea that Frumpie did that project six months prior. It also confirms Frumpie’s suspicions that the client is entirely too scattered to be conducting business.

It’s only curiosity that made me reply at all. I shall await the response. I suspect one of any number of responses will be forthcoming, either 1) client can’t find the project, 2) client has issues with the project,  3) client was about to assign it to Frumpie without knowing she’d already finished it, or 4) client is about to get his ducks in a row and offer another project to Frumpie, which she will decline.

We don’t understand how a company can be so scattered months, even a year into its existence. Great business models aren’t enough; they really do require someone at the helm who has an actual clue.

Frump off, clueless one.

But I Already Have a Kitchen Sink

Dolls, don’t we love having enough information to do a client project justice? But enough is enough; this particular client has just handed me 17 pages of documentation that I have to pare down to – are you ready? – 2 pages. If this were a technically intense project, one might understand the overshare. But this is a press release for a consumer product. He wants yours truly to fit all the relevant information from those 17 pages into this 2-page document. He believes it’s all relevant, too.

He shall be sorely disappointed, dearies. Frumpie is used to overshare of this sort, though not of this magnitude. He shall receive 2 pages with what Frumpie determines to be the most relevant information. He is entitled to 2 revisions and he will be informed today that his notes are extensive but that much is irrelevant to the point he is trying to make. Prepare them early for the shock of seeing their multitude of ideas turned into something readable, Frumpie says. He shall fuss, for certain. But when push comes to shove, Frumpie shall point out that size truly does matter in this case, and he must be the one to choose which choice tidbits can stay and which must go.

TMI, client. TMI.

When You Couldn’t Buy A Clue With Exact Change

Dearies, it was a while ago I mentioned a certain pseudo-client who contacted me right after a very bad break from an obvious fake client. He dangled the carrot: work for me on retainer. I want to pay you $3,000 a month for your troubles. Help me. I don’t know what I want to write.

Had he come a month prior to the breakup with the fake client, Frumpie might have taken him more seriously. That he came exactly two days after the break just screamed scam artist. He checked out online. His business was located, the phone was answered, the emails did get a response, and he really is who he says he is. However….

He made the move much too quickly. He asked for Frumpie’s bank account number in order to send a direct deposit to her account for the first month’s work. Gosh and golly, shouldn’t I be thrilled to give him that information and watch him clean out my account? Honey, even my husband doesn’t get that information; why on earth should I give it to you?

Instead of obliging him, Frumpie sent him her PayPal account ID, explaining that her bank does not allow her to relinquish those numbers so readily. He said he wasn’t sure he could send such a large amount via PayPal. I assured him it was possible, as the husband here had recently purchased a very large, expensive item and paid via PayPal. The pseudo-client was never heard from again.

Do I believe he wanted articles for his various websites? No. I believe he wanted a way to come into some quick cash. He has a legitimate business, but he’s also starting another business that requires capital. Frumpie’s research was rather thorough and turned up that little gem. I believe he would have cleaned out that account and blamed PayPal for the mistake.

Frump you, pseudo-client, and frump all posers and fakers who prey on vulnerable people trying to legitimately eke out a living! In this case, it was you who didn’t have a clue.

When You Said You Wanted to Talk, You Didn’t Really Mean It, Did You?

In all my years of interviewing people, I must say it was a first. Frumpie here talked with what was probably the most condescending person on the planet today. I daresay I think she may have not wanted to talk with me at all. I’d believe that if she hadn’t contacted me herself and not through her PR person.

It went like this:

FRUMPIE: “Is it safe to say that Xs (INDUSTRY PROFESSIONAL) are able to assist Ys (ANOTHER INDUSTRY PROFESSIONAL) and lighten the workload?”

CONDESCENDING WOMAN EXPERT (CWE), speaking with a “duh” tone: “Yes.”

FRUMPIE: “Forgive the simple question. As a writer I cannot assume the answer to that.”

CWE, same tone: “Everyone already knows that.”

In further conversation, this:

FRUMPIE, trying to lighten the mood a bit: “Since the opposing field of study requires a gazillion years of study…”

CWE: “Let’s get the facts straight. The field requires Z years of study.”

FRUMPIE: “Thank you for your time and assistance on this article. I do appreciate it.”

CWE: “I would like to add that this particular field of study (the entire reason Frumpie had called her and the point she’d been trying unsuccessfully to drag out of her for 30 minutes) is a new field and will soon replace the old field, in my opinion.”

FRUMPIE, out of patience and out of time: “Well, I appreciate that additional information. Again, thank you for giving me your time today.”

A few pleasantries (very few) exchanged, and I hung up.

Frumpie has interviewed over 200 people in her lifetime. There have been a few that were uncomfortable, but the information was still there and the interviewee was cordial at the worst. However, this was the very first time Frumpie here was ever treated like a dolt. Perhaps she didn’t appreciate Frumpie’s trying to lighten the mood with some brevity, and I used a lighter tone and tried making small talk to warm her up a bit. Warming up the polar ice cap would’ve been an easier task. She was all business and in no mood for a beginner in her field. Why she agreed to the interview in the first place is still a mystery, for she was briefed in detail about the context of the interview, the questions she’d be asked, and the fact that Frumpie was new to the topic. She was warm, chatty even, in her responses. Maybe this was one interview that should’ve remained a cyber one.

Lighten up, CWE. You’re serious about your work, and I applaud that. But you don’t have to be a pain in the arse about it.

Cribs are for Babies, Not Writers

Dearies, it astounds me how many of you are still writing to me about the GigCrib ads. Since posting about the pseudo-job ad back in December, Frumpie here has heard from over 20 souls who have seen the ad or have wasted time writing queries for these “job” offers. I received two more comments just this week, and it’s only Tuesday! The company is still posing as an employer and still, presumably, collecting email addresses for its lists.

So a timely reminder is in order: If you see a job ad placed by GigCrib, know that it isn’t really a job offer. It’s an invitation to become a member–a paid member–of their site.

Shame on you, GigCrib, for posing as legitimate employers! Dear writers, please read the responses to my original posts for clues on how to identify these nasty little bugs.