Perhaps the Enemy is You

Just received a note back from a client – he’s fussing that he wasted his money on Frumpie’s services. He hasn’t seen results! It’s been a whopping 30 days and he’s had no hits on his marketing piece.

The fact that he’s not given it enough time notwithstanding, let’s look at what could have gone wrong. First, he sent me sound bites of information: mere snippets of things he’d like to see on his marketing piece. I questioned him. He gave me little more. I pressed on, expecting this would be one of many rewrites.

Oh, when Frumpie’s right, she’s right. He came back incensed. Why didn’t I mention X services? Y services? Why didn’t I sell more his other side of the business, the one he really wanted to promote? Frumpie had to point out to the delusional soul that we talked about A, B, and C. X and Y never entered into conversation, nor did he have a web presence that would have allowed yours truly to seek out extra information.

He also expected the packaging to be, well let’s just say it, gawdy. Frumpie told him that less was more on a mailer. He demanded Frumpie add certain shall we say advertisements to the envelope. In the end, we had little room for the outgoing address label. Frumpie asked client to reconsider. He said he knew more about marketing than Frumpie did. It went out, and probably right into the trash once the potential customers received it.

I have to add here that while his information on his services would not have put people off necessarily (except for that which was plastered on the envelope), some of the information he included in his sales letter would have. He wanted Frumpie to reference a particular celebrity this man had spoken with. Mind you this celebrity was not endorsing his product, but the client thought that mentioning what this celebrity had said to him (a related quote) would raise his status among his potential customers. Let’s not even talk about the ethics of such a move (if the celebrity ever catches wind of his name being used alongside a product, I don’t want to be around). I strongly advised against such nonsense, citing possible lawsuit and that his reputation (not mine, for my contracts are airtight against client stupidity, and I have the emails to prove he was told otherwise) would be on the line.

Let’s also mention that this client wanted the world to know that he was a golf champion at the local course, and had broken some long-standing, totally irrelevant record. Mind you, this client does not sell anything remotely related to golf.

Frumpie gave him scads of caveats, such as he should never pat himself on the back when he’s asking for business. He disagreed. Strongly. Now was his time to brag, he said! But about your golf score?

Now, as expected, the client is back demanding a free rewrite. Frumpie pointed out to him that his rewrite is not forthcoming, given that he discarded all of my advice. He was told that my services come with market experience and advice and the moment he ignores it against my strong objections, he has breached the contract. We cannot, will not, sit by and watch him shoot himself in the foot repeatedly.

Turning The Hounds on You

The blogosphere is a marvelous tool for spreading the word. In this case, Frumpie here spread some news back in December about a company that had no business putting up an ad for help. Refresh your memory here.

I’m tickled. As late as yesterday, I’m still receiving comments about this particular “employer” and its actions on the job listings sites (more specifically Craig’s List). I love that some of you are skeptical in your trust of a company that tends to promise ongoing, lucrative work, for you are searching and finding mention of GigCrib right here. My experience was simple; I sent a carefully worded pitch and my resume to the bums, only to receive that fabulous offer in return. But good on you who searched and found mention of them here!

However, how many are signing up and believing they must pay for such exposure? For every one of you smart enough to see through them, there are scads of beginners not so savvy. What say we help them out a little, okay? Find time to post about this phony baloney on your weblog or on forums you frequent. If we can save one person from shelling out good money chasing bad experiences, it will have been worth it.

Watch out, GigCrib and your ilk. Freelancers are actually smarter than you think!

Perhaps I Could Lick Your Boots While I’m At It?

Occasionally Frumpie is employed to write a client’s resume. In general this can be quite enjoyable work, for one gets to know the client and can connect with the client in an unusual and eye-opening way. Yet eye-opening isn’t always a pleasant thing.

Frumpie is a stickler for using correct words, mind you. What Frumpie isn’t is ANAL about it. Like most writers, I understand when it’s not worth it to overthink it. If I didn’t know that, I’d die of writer’s block on my first sentence.

However, one client in particular has become an expert: a professional writer, don’t you know. Or so she thinks. For the record, she is not a professional writer. In fact, in trying to understand what it is she does for a living, she’s unable to tell me. Oh, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t know! Heavens no, dearies. I should have read her mind instantly, done a complete psychological profiling of her and determined exactly what it is she does from the snippets of old resume garbage she’s seen fit to pass my way. If she’s schizophrenic about her experience, how on earth is Frumpie going to figure it out?

Yet that has not stopped her from fussing about how “weak” Frumpie’s writing is.  She’s quite superior to me, you know. She doesn’t need me for anything more than that lovely grinding sound as she turns the toe of her stiletto on top of my character. I don’t get her AT ALL, she fumes. I don’t know what I’m doing, she charges. My word choices do not express the position in life she holds. She’s better than I am, and I’m too stupid to understand her or convey how special she is properly. So she’s going to go out of her way to humor me and to show me how to do my job.

Such a sweet, charming soul. I cannot imagine why you would need a resume, what with that delightful personality you possess. Frump you, you cow.

Perhaps It’s Your Endearing Charm

A client just blasted Frumpie for messing up her project. She was so upset that Frumpie didn’t give her back a dynamic product. Oh dear soul, I’d have loved to do that, but when you don’t answer my questions and you refuse to supply necessary information – the same information you’re now b*tching isn’t in there – my hands are tied. What I really love is that you reference things I wrote for you, and you get them wrong. If you cannot get the facts correct in what’s presented to you, how do you expect Frumpie to get it right?

You’re upset because your business is slow right now and you can’t secure more work. Given the thrashing you just delivered to yours truly, I can only conclude that your approach is the bigger issue. We can make your materials look stunning, but we cannot change your personality, nor will we take the blame for your lack of people skills.

Frump off, you griping pain.