Frump Needs You

Dearies, Frumpie is facing a slightly annoying and potentially nightmarish situation, so she’s turning to you for advice. Dearest client is going forward with a project and including a third party in her editorial process. This is a person who has already given her bad advice and who has no connection to Frumpie whatsoever. While he did manage to see a few areas that yours truly has been trying desperately to get said client to amend, he’s also giving her horrid advice that she’s abiding.

 Frumpie is not interested in going forward with this project if this editorial-oversight-board-of-one-lousy-noneditor is part of the formula. I am the paid professional; he is the person she’s trying to impress in hopes he will drop everything and promote her book. For free.

Help me. Help this harried Frumpie find the words to tell her it cannot continue. I shan’t be interested in severing all ties with this client. I merely want to make it clear and firm that this man’s presence is not acceptable. Why I need you; I cannot do it with in my current emotional state, nor do I want to come across as someone stomping a foot. I would be ever so grateful if you could help me draft a tactful message.

Many blessings, dearies.

Scooby Doo Had the Right Idea

Oh dearies, Frumpie is a tired soul. For an untold number of years, yours truly has taken on ghostwriting projects: big ones. I have labored away, given the clients better than what they wanted only to see most of them falter and stumble and eventually disappoint. Yes dearies, they disappoint. Inevitably, these dear souls will either doubt themselves or doubt Frumpie.

 Most frustrating is when they decide to share their unfinished project with friends, family and the like. Oh, can we not guess exactly what will happen? In every case, those dear unpaid souls will give harsh opinions and cloud the judgment of our dear clients. That serves no purpose other than causing them stress, grief and a scurried reworking of an already perfectly acceptable manuscript.

For that reason, Frumpie has decided never again to take on a large ghostwriting project. If there were a way to train said clients into understanding that any outside interference breaches our contract and comes with an instant payment due notice, Frump would change her mind. Alas and alak, such a clause is nay unenforceable and clients, for the most part, do not heed the preliminary warnings Frumpie sends out cautioning against such awful practices. To date I have lost two clients in this manner, and I have seen a third tear me apart and demand a refund. Why would any writer put herself through such trauma?

 Scooby Doo had the right idea. When one comes upon a ghostly opportunity, one should turn tail and run like the devil.

Consensus in a Dictatorial World

What can be more funtastic than having your very own dictator trying to convince you that consensus rules the day? Oh dearies, this one is ever so precious! The project leader asked a while ago to put the work Frumpie was overseeing into a review process, to which Frumpie agreed. That was four months ago. This past week, Frumpie received an email from said Leader explaining that we are having a conference call regarding the project. Mind you, the agenda was made up by Leader, the time and date was stated and not open to discussion, and Leader decided he was taking over all roles, including Frumpie’s. Not that Frumpie minds extra help, but shouldn’t one ask before taking charge? Given the nature of the project and the level to which Frumpie delivered it, there seemed to be little need for anyone to take over. Yet Napoleon enjoyed a good uprising now and again too, didn’t he?

 Methinks credit for this very detailed editorial process shall no longer go to Frumpie, but to Leader. If Frumpie were the type to care about credit, that would be rather upsetting. That she doesn’t care about credit still does not alter the fact that her duties were removed for no good reason and with zero explanation.

 Frump you, Leader putz.

The Sound of Dying Faith

Oh, would that we could educate our clients well enough to avoid the obvious mistakes they will undoubtedly make…. my dear sweet client has done exactly what Frumpie has instructed her not to do. She has shown her unfinished project to someone she considers to be an “expert”. Of course this “expert” has suddenly become an editor, for he’s told her the direction is all wrong, the story is skewed, and she’s just not up to his line of thinking yet.

Do we see where this leads, dearies? The moment the client starts to doubt his or her abilities or product, it is over. Frumpie has spent the better part of two days trying to convince the client that the project is indeed wonderful as written, and should continue, for this person has never written anything in this genre, nor has he experience in publishing. He’s merely someone she’s asked for an opinion. Dearest clients, do you not yet understand that the world is full of as many differing opinions as there are people? Do you not yet understand that you will get more than you asked for, and your own insecurities about your project will soon be turned onto your professional writer or editor, for someone somewhere is questioning the expertise without having a single clue what he or she is talking about? And you’re going to believe him, aren’t you? Why Because you think an unpaid friend or acquaintance with no experience is going to protect you much better than a paid, experienced professional.

It’s when Frumpie and her kind wave goodbye sadly, for we know your story is now held captive by all the wanna-be editors in your life. We shall miss you, for we know the questions and the fears are the first step toward your cutting all ties with us.

That’s “Anal” with a Capital A, Please

Client has issues, you see. Her issues are many. In fact, they were four pages long yesterday. She provided feedback on her two-page project. If only critiques were limited to the same length as the item in question.

 Much of her note to Frumpie was akin to picking at a scab. “If we use this word, it would be a false representation of my services, so remove it. What do you think?” and “We need to add this as it’s very important information!” (yet in today’s edits, the instruction was “Let’s take that entire section out. I think it’s self-explanatory.”) “Change the word “use” to “utilize”. I will not. That’s a $2 word where a 50-cent one works just fine. Then there was the “You must add my working with vendors to the description, for it’s terribly important information!” Yet that’s implied three times and stated outright somewhere else.

What makes Frumpie giggle is that she actually wrote  on today’s two-page critique regarding one line item: ”Am I overthinking this?” Why yes, dear, but isn’t that what you’ve been doing for the last six pages?

When Even a GPS Couldn’t Guide You…

He’s a great client. He keeps in touch, albeit much too frequently. He sends vast numbers of emails. Yet he doesn’t seem to read the few Frumpie sends in return, for he is now hopelessly lost in our editing process, one that I had outlined to him with bullet points.

He’s lost the first page. No wait! Here it is. But it doesn’t have his changes incorporated. Um, yes it really does, but he’s working of an ancient copy. Why oh why isn’t he using the copy Frump sent him a week ago?

I would not want to rely on him to get me from Point A to Point B, for clearly directions fail him miserably.

Don’t Type While Under the Influence

Dearies, sometimes in life we get upset. It does occur, and Frumpie has been known to get a tad peevish at times herself. However, we should all be cautious about typing whilst being upset, sad, lonely, ornery, depressed, or just generally not in the best frame of mind.

I say this because I just read a blog diatribe by a writer who couldn’t be bothered to make verb tenses match, who used a word completely differently than its intended meaning, and whose spelling was just atrocious! It would be amusing if it weren’t so sad. This writer was particularly upset about something, as indicated by the tone and subject matter. Said writer was posting about the correct way to operate as a writer. I shan’t tell you exactly where this post resides, for that would be mean, and Frumpie doesn’t believe in being mean to people. I will say that the word in question that was used incorrectly was akin to using the word “chocolate” to mean “jalepeno pepper”. Totally different meanings, n’est pas? That was bad enough, but that the word was bolded for emphasis just makes it even sadder. Oh, and lest we forget, a plural pronoun usually deserves a verb that agrees with said plural.

Oh, the pain one causes when one doesn’t hit the Spell Check button….

Next I’ll Help You Spell the Company Acronymn

Little did you know that when you became a writer or an editor, you would be in charge of helping your client figure out his or her job. Frumpie is having a rather amusing time of it with one client in particular right now. This dear soul works for a major corporation, yet when Frumpie asked for specifics on the company’s sales, the poor dear didn’t quite know what to say. So instead of asking within, where surely she’d be embarrassed and perhaps promoted (those who can’t do shall teach, as they say), she came back to Frumpie. “What exactly is (industrywide term)?” and the most laughter-inducing question: “Do we have that kind of product?”

 Poor dearie. I do not believe she’s trying to get Frumpie to look it up. I do believe the poor child really does not know what it is her company is doing. Nor, it would appear, does she know what she’s doing.

But You Cannot Read Our Minds!

We love writing for new clients, don’t we? The promise of a lovely relationship, and the newness of the project makes us all giddy. Then it happens. The sudden urge to panic. Can we please this client? Do we really understand what they want? Will they communicate with us if we don’t get it right the first time?

Frumpie has just received the bad news that her latest attempt to please a client has failed. Alas, the focus was wrong and gasp and egad, her research turned up a source that wasn’t deemed acceptable. While Frumpie takes full responsibility for said research, she cannot understand why she wasn’t give the chance to rewrite and get it right. Doubt has crept in and gripped her otherwise confident nature. The client is notorious for wanting instant turnaround, and for providing interview subjects who provide yes-no answers. That the focus of the project was completely wrong is something Frumpie cannot take blame for. The client specified very clearly what he wanted. That his committee changed his mind for him is altogether his problem and not something Frumpie can be held accountable for.

In fact, this corporate client sends writers jumping through numerous hoops. Delivering the asked-for body of work in the manner in which it was expected is much less than the client will ever be satisfied with. Until twelve other people get their opinions attached, it shan’t ever be right.

It makes Frumpie long for a desk job away from the madness.