Curb Your Pet Client

Fumpie loves her client dearly. Oh, you cannot know how much so. However, client has a grating habit of writing to Frumpie. A lot. In one day, Frumpie saw 52 emails before quitting time. Luckily, client had gotten a late start that day.

An open letter to eager clients:

 Dearest soul,

We love you to pieces. We are enthusiastic about your project, as well. We are not, however, able to work if our day consists of reading and responding to your barrage of emails. Why, if we answered even half of them, your project would never be touched!

Please. Start an email draft. Put in bullet points of your thoughts. Send it after about five hours of getting your thoughts out. Oh, and please, keep it shorter than War and Peace lest our email service bog down and refuse to deliver. I must add some tidbit to your project that you refer to, yet I have to wade through 253 emails to find that one little sound bite. I’d ask you to resend, but why open that wound again?

Please, dear soul, find your inner strength and refrain from chatting me up with notions and changes and oh please, no more inspirational factoids!

Hugs and smooches,

Your Writer

A Revealing Conversation with D!ck

Dear hearts, we have received a number of requests to view the actual correspondence between yours truly and D!ck. At first I felt it was inappropriate, but after hearing tales of woe from other writers he’s belittled, I do believe we must uncover this vile behavior.

Let me start at the beginning. The advertisement:

“Project Description: Trade Book Editing
Buyer Alias: XXXXX
Specific Project Request: I have three books that need to be proofread and edited. They are within the domains of sales/marketing and/or history/psychology. From the last look I had there are about 200 pages per book. Once the first project is done to my satisfaction we’ll move on to the remaining two. The budget allocated for the first project is $65.00. Last project is only 6 or 8 pages and a high school kid can handle it. Let’s start to test your skills on a more demanding project. You may contact me to see a selection of pages at d!ck@xxxxx.us. I’ll be happy to email you a couple of selected pages.”

Frumpie’s first correspondence:

“Dearest Sir:

I read with interest your advertisement requesting editing help. I am an
experienced editor who has not only edited books, but has written them, as
well. My work has appeared in numerous publications, and I have published
over 150 articles.

Before I send my credentials, I’d like to ask some questions if I may.
Concerning what you are quoting as payment; that’s per page or per hour? It
reads as though you are hiring someone to do the entire book for $65, and
that cannot be correct, for McDonald’s pays more than that! Please let me
know what the price structure is before we continue. Typically I charge $100
an hour, but I would like to understand the project and scope a bit more
before determining final fees.

Thank you. ”

D!ck’s response:

“We already have a problem between different forms of English language
> used. In my work the request was for common, but proper American. This
> precludes the use of Dearest Sir, which was acceptable in India and
> Pakistan as well as Kenya, but today it is treated as archaic and even “out
> of touch”. Your second error was a missing comma in the following “
> Before I send my credentials, I’d like to ask some questions another comma
> needs to be inserted if I may. In that manner you disqualified yourself
> with this very communication. Thank you kindly, and I wish you better luck
> and success with McDonald’s, Burger King, Domino Pizza or some other
> distingished food establishment. I also have a “typically” sentence of my
> own. Typically I wish rainwater was beer, but it hasn’t happened yet. In
> either case you have made your own selection as much as I made mine. Cheers.”

D!ck seems to think his response is “professional”, as you will see from his reaction to the following note back from me: 

“I received your note, and I must point out one thing. The error you seem to
think is present between the words “questions” and “if” is an acceptable
form of punctuation. Because the phrase “if I may” is modifying the subject,
it is acceptable to omit the comma. (Dear readers, this is not true, but Frumpie had a feeling at this point that D!ck had a temper, and I did want to test that theory.)

Your response to my query was quite rude. I asked a simple question that
most professionals would ask you, and your response was to insult and
chide. I do not wish any further communication with you or from you. I wish
you well in finding someone who can put up with such arrogant behavior. I
can assume from your response that the pay rate was indeed $65 for the
entire project, which is insulting and absurd.

Good luck finding a chump to put up with your asinine behavior and your
cheap ways.” 

Ah, now dear D!ck is offended. I have trampled upon his kind offer and wounded his honor, for here in its entirety (with obscenities obscured) is his response. Please note that despite my asking him not to contact me, he did. That in itself speaks volumes about the man’s ego and his need to escalate:

“You compare me to McDonald’s and that is not RUDE? Where the f*** do you get that idea? Get lost and get happy with McDonald’s with your archaic English. Are you God? Non-failing? The Pope of Rome? I am to pretend that you wrote an error free 9 line email – when we both know you didn’t? I politely wished you much success at any of the distinguished dining establishments which you seem to value greatly – those were your ideas not mine. I won’t let anybody p!ss on me and tell me it’s raining – I can tell the difference. Damn right it’s rude – just as rude as it should be to get rid of the ballast of any kind. You as a service provider do not command the rate of pay. I, (as a supplier) made an offer – if you don’t like it – don’t take it – end of story, no need for semantics.
 
I thank you again with a request that you don’t contact me again for any reason whatsoever.”

Do you honestly believe he meant to thank me? It does seem oh-so-passive-aggressive. Frumpie was so very tempted to write back and correct his horrific punctuation (and his lack of coherency in his writing), but why waste precious time with such a nasty individual?

Frumpie has seen mention of this person on other weblogs. Yes indeed, it is the same person, for who else would be so rude? He is apparently treating other writers who answer his “advertisement” with the same lack of manners. Please avoid this horrid creature. Poking a caged animal is never as gratifying as you’d like to believe.

Frump you, D!ck.

Jane Misses Him So

This tale just keeps getting stranger. The D!ck in question responded to Frumpie’s response in which I told said D!ck that I found his behavior rude and his ego too inflated, and that his insult regarding the fast-food career was uncalled for given my note asking for clarification.

 Dearies, let’s just say we cannot print such vile words here. Suffice it to say he showed his ability to use words that begin with “f” a lot. Apparently, Frumpie was rude for comparing him to McDonald’s, when in fact Frumpie, as you can see from the note in the last post, did no such thing. Frumpie asked if his rates were X or Y, for Z would be less than one would make at McDonald’s.

Despite his continued insistence that Frumpie made an error (and thus must be hanged), he failed to notice, as Rebecca has pointed out, his numerous errors.

In Frumpie’s original note back to this person, she asked that he not contact her. So now we have the obvious fact that he cannot or will not follow simple directions, and we’ve confirmed that he is indeed a hot head and an impossible egotist.

We shan’t communicate with someone so obviously rude. He’s not a real employer, nor is he able to pay for a clue with the wages he’s offering. He wants someone perfect (no doubt in the image he has of himself) and he’s not willing to discuss wages, for he believes we “service providers” must take what comes, for he said so with a number of expletives attached. 

 Clueless, clueless man.

Fun with (a) D!ck

Dearies, sometimes the world of writing and editing brings to us the most intriguing of souls. We’ve all read advertisements that offer us mere coins for insane demands and even more insane working conditions. It is with that in mind that I bring you the tale of the Flaming D!ck.

Frumpie saw the ad for a book editing project. The posting seemed to be written by someone with a very large chip on his shoulder and an ego to match, but Frumpie was willing to proceed: with caution, of course. Yours truly sent a note to said “employer” reading thusly:

Dearest Sir:

I read with interest your advertisement requesting editing help. I am an experienced editor who has not only edited books, but has written them, as well. My work has appeared in numerous publications, and I have published over 150 articles.

Before I send my credentials, I’d like to ask some questions if I may. Concerning what you are quoting as payment – that’s per page or per hour? It reads as though you are hiring someone to do the entire book for $65, and that cannot be correct, for McDonald’s pays more than that! Please let me know what the price structure is before we continue. Typically I charge $100 an hour, but I would like to understand the project and scope a bit more before determining final fees.

Thank you.

Oh sugarpies, the response was something out of the Narcissists R Me Guidebook:

 

We already have a problem between different forms of English language used. In my work the request was for common, but proper American. This precludes the use of Dearest Sir, which was acceptable in India and Pakistan as well as Kenya, but today it is treated as archaic and even “out of touch”. Your second error was a missing comma in the following “

Before I send my credentials, I’d like to ask some questions another comma needs to be inserted if I may. In that manner you disqualified yourself with this very communication. Thank you kindly, and I wish you better luck and success with McDonald’s, Burger King, Domino Pizza or some other distingished food establishment. I also have a “typically” sentence of my own. Typically I wish rainwater was beer, but it hasn’t happened yet. In either case you have made your own selection as much as I made mine. Cheers.

Best regards

Narcissistic D!ck

Now, does that sound like a person who is easy to get along with? Or does that sound like a pompous, arrogant man who needs to edit his own books and keep his money?

Yes, I think so, too. Frump you, D!ck. No amount of money would compensate for having to work for both you and your oversized ego.

Leap Over Conclusions and into the Twilight Zone

Frumpie just received the most confusing, odd and astounding note from a client. He was interviewed for a story that is now live on the web. At the beginning, Frumpie had superimposed his name with that of his PR person. Easy fix, for the article wasn’t published. Frumpie sent it back for review. Perfect!

The note today: “I’m mortified that you never corrected the name! Fix it immediately!” Huh? Frumpie ran right over to the website in hopes of procuring the webmaster’s address. A quick look at the article to see how many times the name needed to be changed …. uh, none. For there it was, exactly as the client had approved it. Spelled perfectly. Fixed.

The conclusion you’ve lept to, dear client, has left this stratosphere and entered some dark place that I’m afraid I cannot follow you into. For when a name with seven letters is clearly not the name with three letters, I’m not following how the correction isn’t there. Perhaps the publisher is David Copperfield?

Calm down, dearie.

The Difference Between Editor and Writer

I have a lovely client; she really is sweet. I served as her writer on a project. A good deal of time passed, and now she’s back wanting me to edit her project. I’m tickled she felt so highly of me! I agreed quickly.

Oh dearies, sometimes education is a tough thing. Yesterday alone I received not one but 47 emails from lovely client. Each one contained information that she wants me to write into her story. I do adore her, for she gives me a very long leash on which to roam with her project. Still, I shan’t be writing anything more than transitions and revisionist fixes. I am contracted to be the editor now. Not the writer. Must make the distinction. For the writing portion of our program has now ended, sweet woman. We are now on to the final revisions. Oh, if they were just a few additions, I might want to make them. Yet they are not just a few, are they? Sadly, the additions would water down the story and readers would be loathe to find any point whatsoever.

Educational time is always tough, for it must be done clearly and without offending. The dear soul was so gracious with other educational emails. Let’s hope this one works well, too.

The Inevitable Attitude

Dearies, our bottom feeder has returned. When Frumpie sent a “thanks but I cannot work for no pay”, the bottom feeder felt compelled to chastise Frumpie’s alleged lack of common sense. It went something like this (modified only slightly to keep the guilty at bay):

“Excuse me for asking, but do you have any idea how PR – public relations – works? This opportunity would put your work in front of major publishing entities, and would give you FREE ADVERTISING that you don’t have to work for.  I’m surprised that given your years of experience you do not understand that, and see the value this opportunity brings to you.”

 Ah, isn’t he cute? Trying so hard to convince me that the raw deal he’s offering is actually worth more than it really is. I was touched. Yes, I would say a tear came to my eye. So did shortness of breath to my lungs, for laughing that hard can have quite an effect on the senses.

But I was so tickled, for I had the chance to write back and say, “But why would I need to post on your site to get exposure? Since you found me just fine on your own, I suspect I’m doing something right, n’est pas?” And I had to reiterate to the Clueless One that yes indeedy, I work for money, not for exposure. Gosh, why is that concept so difficult for these people? Perhaps I should offer to showcase his talents for free. I wonder just how special he’d think my offer would be.

 Again, frump off, dork.