Compete with This: I Dare You!

Another project, another “competitive rates” promise. Ah, if only this were true, for yours truly has found that in most cases, the competitive rate of which they speak is competitive to jobs such as stitching designer clothing together in Vietnam or building the Great Wall of George between Texas and Mexico. This offer was (and remains–we’re not finished playing footsie with them yet) some ongoing technical work that required a great deal of expertise in the specific topic area. Luckily, Frumpie has that. Or is that unluckily? For Frump did get the call, and yes the talk did eventually turn to rates.

Let’s play a game. If you were to apply for a job in which you had seven years of experience in the subject area and you held a Bachelor’s degree in business writing, what would you hope to be paid for all your time in the trenches? Let’s say the subject matter was opthalmology, which I chose because I enjoy spelling it and showing off that I know there’s an “l” in there. Would you, with your experience and track record of getting $1 a word and up elsewhere, expect an hourly rate of somewhere near $100? Why, that would be perfectly acceptable.

 Unless of course you realize the “competitive wage” term must mean the employer is able to compete by paying his contractors sh$tty wages, for this particular job might net a grand total of $25 an hour. Yes folks, despite the ego stroking from employer to Frumpie, the bottom line was “we generally pay $25-35 an hour for Ph.D.-level writers.” Perhaps that’s because your PhDs have other jobs, don’t you think? Unfortunately, this is my only profession and I cannot justify spinning my wheels for you, no matter how delicious the topic is, when I know others will pay me much better for less work.

It’s that old respect thing again, dear client. I respect you, but I respect myself enough to turn down lousy “competitive” rates. If you cannot come up to par with the pay, you can find yourself another, less experienced writer.

Jerk!

No, no, wait… THIS One’s the Worst!

Dearies, it is often incredible the offers we see on job sites. This one in particular made Frumpie dissolve into a pool of quaking liquid. The quaking was due to the uncontrollable laughter:

“Hello my name is Ron Jones I believe that I am the worlds most talented, and dedicated writer that the future will tell. My life is centered around my abillities and talent as a writer. Everything I see,do,think,research,even the air I intake gets filltered thru the writing mechanism in my sole. I am searching for excecptional writers to work/calab with on several projects. Contact me if you believe in yourself and your talent. “

Isn’t it fun when the “worlds most talented” hasn’t bothered to use Spell Check? One must feel for Mr. Jones, for his life is filtered through the writing in his feet…or wait, did he mean something else?

The real question; are you excecptional enough to calab with him?

 I cannot go on. I must intake air now.

Sucky Job of the Week

I love this time of the week, don’t you? For it is time for us to scan the classifieds and find the most vile, ridiculous or utterly hilarious job listing available. And dearies, I found quite a winner this week. Feast your eyes….

“ I’m trying to create websites that people can learn something from. If you are an expert in a subject that you think people will be interested in reading about, email me with your ideas. If you can write me a “How to” guide with at least 15,000 words, I’ll pay you $200.Send me the following:

1) Your “How to” topic
2) Approximately how many chapters you will have (Give me the titles for each chapter)

Absolutely no plagiarism. Content cannot be copied from other websites; it must be your own writing.

Thanks.”

No, thank you, fake employer. You made us laugh uncontrollably, and some of us may have wet ourselves over what you consider to be a fair deal. Worse, you insulted us by insisting we not plagiarize in the process. Good golly, son! What on earth do you think we do all day? Do you think we writers work hard at copying others’ homework? Of course! Why, just today I lifted most of War and Peaceto use as filler in a feature article. Last week, I used copy from the phone book as a brochure. And this blog? It’s all someone else’s content!

You make us snicker, but your insinuations do not amuse us. Vamoose, you scoundrel!

This Isn’t Wal-Mart

Don’t we love to death bidding on projects? Aren’t we excited to spend our time crafting a fair estimate of what a job will cost only to be turned down because someone bid some insanely low price? Mind you we do understand that we are competing against others for our work on most projects. However, we are not in the mood nor the mindset to compete with bottom feeders for real work.

Such was the case this week for yours truly. The job sounded wonderful – a nice ongoing project with local connections. Without knowing what the client wanted in terms of scope, Frump put together a nice note saying that while her normal hourly wage was $100 an hour, she was very much willing to come to an agreement with this particular client at a lower rate. Frump was thinking $50 minimum, though we don’t tip our hand, do we?

The note came back. Sorry, Frumpie. No dice. “…have hired at a very much lower rate.” Now kids, let me ask you; do you believe the client read through Frumpie’s email? For in that email was a very clear indicator that Frumpie wanted to negotiate a “mutually agreed upon” rate, one that Frumpie told the client would be “one we are both happy with”. Alas, happiness can be bought at a much lower rate these days, for there wasn’t Word One of discussion. And to that client who would rather have a cut rate than a sure fit Frump says Frump You! Have fun working with dollar signs, for if your writer does not have that particular experience, you’ll be paying more than what Frump would have charged you for the job done right the first time.

Hire a Therapist Instead

He was a lovely client: a personable, sweet person who had no job. He needed a resume. I obliged. Things got a little odd shortly after the first phone call.

He called. I wasn’t around. The message was 3 minutes long. Amusing at first, but the next message was just a little longer. What did he have to say? He wanted me to call him back. The rest? I’m really not sure what it was. It was rambling, but about nothing in particular. Certainly it wasn’t about the resume. More like what he was doing that day, what he had for lunch, and one actually examined the reasons why he thought I didn’t pick up the phone (and revealed a bit of his own paranoia).

Within a few weeks, the project was finished. But the phone calls were not. I had suggested some recruiters for him. One hadn’t returned his call, so he called and asked me to contact the recruiter again and see what was going on. No no, dearies. Frump didn’t do it, but I was very amused at the suggestion that I clean up his life for him.

Another phone call, which fortunately I missed, had him asking me to circulate that resume for him. He was having no luck, and surely since I could write it, I would be able to do the grunt work for it, right? Oh no, dearies. Wrong. Frump sent a firm, but kind note to our sweet, disillusioned client informing him that my work was done and I held no particular expertise in what he was asking me to do. He wanted to compensate me, but the truth is Frump was no longer interested in the long messages and the borderline whining/why-don’t-you-like-me type of conjectures.

We wish him well, but we are finished. We also have an idea why our dear client has not managed convince someone to hire him. It has little to do with talent and a lot to do with long-winded, paranoia-laced conversations….

Laughable Job of the Week

Ah, don’t we enjoy ever so much the advertisement begging for immediate turnaround for minimal payment? I was blessed with a notice of this ad -

 ”I need someone who works quickly and can transcribe some law lecture notes from a recording that will be sent electronically to you. The transcripts need to be what is heard on the recording, no paraphrasing. Each recording is approximately 30-40 min long and I have about 30 of them. The recordings can be played back via Windows Real Player or other medium. Instructors may at times be hard to understand. Please playback a few times to try and catch the wording. I am not as concerned with catching student questions as I know some are hard to hear, just catch what you can and label as SQ for student question and PA for professor answer. Top of transcript should be labeled with the transcript number and topics that are discussed. I need these done by tomorrow evening and will pay the pro $10 per recording. Please do not bid unless you can begin immediately and can commit to completion of the project.”

Oh, PLEASE pick me! I’m so anxious to lose sleep, replay boring tapes and work my fingers to the bone for $10! Each! Ooo! You big spender you! Flex those check-writing muscles, big boy! And bite me, dearie.

MACS Spelled Backwards…

Oh, please! You pseudo-clientele who believe you’re pulling the wool over our writerly eyes – wake up! We shan’t be blinded by your obvious lack of ethics any longer! For where amongst any in the client world would you be so silly as to think we’ll work without a contract?

Dearies, you’ll just love this one. The pseudo-client posed as a legitimate publisher of “quality” content for the specific niche market. When Frump was hired, she was quite excited to get to work. However, she had to first be “tested” with an article: a paid article, for Frump is no spring chicken to this game. The test article went well, and Frump received payment. The problems began with the very next article.

That, dearies, is when Frumpie decided to get her relationship onto paper. She sent over a standard contract, asking pseudo-publisher if he wanted to use his own or use Frump’s. The response was a bit unsettling, for pseudo-publisher said he didn’t use contracts, but that his terms were XX cents a word (unacceptable, thank you!) for whatever copy was accepted. Once Frump stopped giggling and uttering “stupid man”, she wrote back to pseudo-publisher with her concerns: what if pseudo-publisher used only 200 words of 2,000 or more? She kindly insisted on some more formal arrangement that spelled out more clearly what financial commitment pseudo-publisher was willing to make for Frump’s work. That the pseudo-publisher was already suggesting a “rounding down” of Frump’s word count (that’s right – Frump was expected to accept a word count that was “rounded down by five” instead of left put) gave Frump the clear message that this was a prime example of the need for a formal arrangement.

Again, a surprising response, for Frump was now accused of being unreasonable. How dare this Frump for questioning his moral terpitude! How dare she for not trusting him! Why, in all his years of publishing, he’d never been mistrusted so! (It was adorable, this mention of his years in publishing, for it came on the heels of Frump expressing her concern for the rounding-down issue, saying that in her 15-plus years of writing, she’d never quite come across it.) Then the pseudo-publisher had the audacity to say that he expected Frump to complete the assignment that was due in five days minus that increasingly important contract. Frump politley declined, noting that in business, one doesn’t work without a contract, no matter how forthright the client is.

Silly man.

May I Have A Cyber Hug?

Dear ones, I know how much you enjoy reading the antics of this harried old Frump. If you feel I am worthy of a little cyber lovin’, please nominate this blog for inclusion in Michael Stelzner’s Top 10 Blogs for Writers.  http://www.writingwhitepapers.com/blog/2007/11/02/top-10-blogs-for-write rs-20072008-seeking-your-nomination/