Nightmare on Writing Street

Once upon a time, there was a nice little Writing Frump who did the best to please her clients. She was going about her business one day when she was approached by Controlling Client. Only Controlling Client was disguised as a very nice client who needed a writer for several articles. Frump was only too pleased to help, for it was an area of study which made Frump go weak in the knees and created giddy pleasure in her toes.

All went well with the first article, which Frump delivered on time to Controlling Client. It was shortly thereafter that Frump saw the ugly side of Controlling Client. “We need someone on record about this topic.” Frump did her best, calling numerous contacts (23, to be exact), and managed to get one on the record. She returned happily to Controlling Client the good news.

Not good enough! For the Controlling Client now said “No, we need more. One person isn’t enough.” Frump explained to Controlling Client that nearly all contacts were saying no thank you to the request. Some were denying any knowledge of the topic area. Controlling Client kept pressing. Frump said, “But aren’t their reactions part of the story? Isn’t that the point?” Apparently not, for Frump’s story was turned down in whole. Controlling Client was leading the story, which in journalism talk is a big no-no.

Worse, Frump was then chastised for going out of town and not providing a cell phone number or an IM handle for Controlling Client. See, Frump had business elsewhere, yet Controlling Client decided to wait an entire week after Frump had turned in the article to actually read it. The frenzied messages on Frump’s answering machine and the curt emails indicated the extreme Controlling Client’s unhappiness and stress. When Frump informed Controlling Client that the following week Frump would be out of the office for three days, Controlling Client wanted a cell phone number. Frump, not being born yesterday, denied the request. Frump told Controlling Client that she would be happy to work on the project at hand when she returned on Wednesday. Controlling Client was clearly upset and despite being told about Frump’s absence, called Frump several times during Frump’s hiatus, leaving frantic messages. Frump soon dropped Controlling Client and lived blissfully among normal clients for a long, long time.

The moral of this story: Letting a client dictate your working hours makes you an employee of that client, and thus your client owes you benefits and paid vacation. Feel free to quote the IRS tax code to clients who insist on owning your work time. Oh, and letting a client dictate your time off makes you a child of that client, so unless that’s your mother on the other end of the email, it’s inappropriate and you should never agree to being treated that way. Even by your mother.

Dear Editor,

Why must you set such impossible deadlines only to hold my articles hostage instead publishing them as planned? Why, four months later, do you request a rewrite instead of asking for the type of article that you wanted from the beginning? Thanks to your lack of editorial planning, half of the things said in the original article are no longer true (after all, it was supposed to be published four months ago). Once I fulfill my writerly obligations to you and collect my check, I will be moving onto other projects. I hope that when you find a new writer to fill my shoes that you actually communicate with her instead of jerking her around.  

Sayonara,
Writer Girl

Editorial Faux Pas!

Oh, the things our copy go through when we aren’t looking! My dear client, whom I love like a sister, sent me a note regarding her plans to trudge forward into self publication with the ghostwritten material I had prepared. The ROUGH DRAFT, remember? However upon viewing the copy she presented to the publisher, I was hard pressed to recognize what she had there. In fact, it had many more pages, and the beginning was something I’d not come across in our time together. Hmm. It would seem dear client has been listening to the voices of well-meaning-but-erroneous friends who were telling her it’s a great story, but not quite long enough. Hmm again. It’s so hard saying goodbye to your best efforts as it is; why oh why are clients compelled to try doing what they oughtn’t? It will cost my dear client oodles in editing fees, for the copy now resembles a rambling, overemphasized pile of strung-together stories, where before she had a fast, easy, great read. Alas, we must allow our birds to fly the nest and fall a few times. I shall, but I shall also mourn the loss of good prose.

Guess Again!

It’s just too ridiculous to be true, n’est pas? 

Word has filtered back to the Frump that some are quite curious as to Writing Frump’s true identity. It’s flattering to think it would matter to anyone, so thank you dearies for the compliment! However, you who have approached Ms. Kristen King asking her if she has three kidneys are, in fact, wrong. True, she’s a writer, but she’s not the Frump, nor do I think she has three kidneys. Besides, I’m old enough to be Ms. King’s mother; and a proud mother I’d be, but no, I’m not maternally linked to her, either. I have had the opportunity to meet Kristen in person and can attest to her unwavering charm and energy. Again, you have complimented me by linking my identity to such a lovely young woman! Would that you could see my crow’s feet and my stretch marks you’d never make that mistake again, but luckily for Frump the Internet does not require physical attributes to be revealed.

Kristen dearie, thank you for alerting me to the hysterical situation you find yourself in. I’m so sorry these kind people have suspected you to be an old Frump of a writer. However I now consider myself in excellent writing company.

Surely you’re joking!

I finally got assigned an article by a website I’d been pitching for awhile. The pay was a little low, but the contract allowed me to resell the piece after 3 months and the website would look great on my resume. 

I double-checked about reprint rights just to be clear, and the next day my editor told me they’d recently changed their contract to purchase all rights. She sent over a revised contract with the same amount of money but different rights, so I’d basically be selling the whole farm for less than $100. Not wanting the assignment to fall through, I reluctantly faxed back the contract. Suffice to say I don’t plan on working with this editor after my article is published and I have the clip.

Laughable Job of the Week

Once upon a time, Frump belonged to one of those jobs sites – you know, the ones that make you pay in order to get a modicum of a fighting wage. However, Frump came to her senses and stopped paying for what Craig’s List and others offer for free. This particular paid site still has Frump on the email list. Here’s the latest “offer” that had me snorting at the first paragraph The bolds and italics are mine:

Description: We are seeking to hire numerous writers to write a summary and analysis of a single book. We have an unlimited number of titles to assign to writers, but each writer will be assigned only one title to begin with. We will need this first assignment to be completed within 4 weeks. The final document will be expected to be approximately 25-45 single-spaced pages, depending upon the length and complexity of the book that is assigned. All work will need to be 100% original writing, with no sources used whatsoever.Please carefully review the Style Guide that is attached to this project description. It contains vital information, including the formatting needed for the finalized files. Also, please note that this is a lot of work. Competent readers and writers are usually very successful with our projects and may continue to work with us indefinitely beyond this first assignment. However, if you are not efficient at reading and writing, this may be more work than it is worth. We will provide a list of titles from which you may choose for this assignment.Payment will be $230 to each writer for each title completed. Books will not be provided and fees will not be reimbursed. ALL GUIDES WILL PAY $230 each. This is a fixed amount; you are simply making a bid that you are interested in the project. We have hundreds of guides to write, so we can handle plenty of bidders. In order to bid, bid $230. Then, as each one is completed, you may send us an invoice for $230 though the system and we will pay you for it. Please note that we offer pay increases for strong, consistent writers beginning once they have successfully submitted a few guides.

To be considered, please attach 3 writing samples and a resume to your bid. If you are unable to attach files due to the status of your membership, please simply paste your samples in the body of your bid.

Attached to this project description is the Style Guide, which includes a full length samples so you can see the formatting and writing style we require. Finally, the formatting guidelines, directions and an FAQ sheet are included within the Style Guide. Please review all of the requirements carefully before bidding on our project to determine whether this is right for you.

Length
The length of the guides should range from 25-45 pages single spaced in Word with normal margins, Times New Roman, Font size 12. Again, following the format is critical.
Once in a while, we have extremely long works like Don Quixote which might be as long as 70 pages, but that is extremely rare (less than 1 in 100). In those cases, we will pay more, and the pay will be determinded on a case by case basis (they are quite rare). “Long Books” are books over 700 pages. From 700 pages to 1,100 pages, the pay is $280. Above 1,000 pages is a special case.

Grammar, Editing, Writing Style
The writing style should easily be readable for an average high school/college student. All grammar and editing should be extremely thorough and should be done before the files are emailed to us.

It is important in writing an appropriate summary for the text to be very fluid and smooth for the reader. The text should not be fragmented in any way. In other words, if you read a novel and, as you read it, write the summary, it is likely that the text will be very choppy and will include information that is completely irrelevant to the story. In addition, this often results in many short paragraphs. It is much more appropriate to read through a chapter first and then write the summary. The result is that the text will be much more fluid and the summary will be much closer to what we are looking for.

Misc. We will be hiring many bidders.

Payment Terms
For each work completed, we will pay $230 when it is approved. All files that are received completed, with all revisions also completed, on or before the 10th of the month will be paid in full on or before the 30th of the same month. All files that are completed after the 10th of the month will be paid on or before the 30th of the following month. All payments will be made through xxxx.com. Each work may need to be edited or revised by you before payment is released, and you should allow approximately 10 days for the review and revision period for each draft that you submit to us.

What Books Will I Be Writing On?
We will provide you with a list of books to choose from, but they will be very popular books available at all book stores and libraries (at least in the U.S.) It is your responsibility to find the books. We recommend the library as they almost always carry the ones we will be writing on, especially in the U.S.

Contract
Upon acceptance to this project, you will be directed to our company website, where you can register with our system. Note that our website will contain a contract for your review that must be agreed to in order to work for BookSkanks. Attached to this document is a copy of this contract for your consideration.
Plagiarism
All work that you write must be your own and must not be copied in any way.

Did you, like me, stop reading at the payment? Yes, dear writerly friends – we too can break our necks and throw away our careers to kill ourselves reading tomes of books and writing mini-books on each one. What has Frump said before about the longer the job requirements, the less likely it will pay diddly? Here’s a perfect example of that theory in action.

Oh, how I love the smell of scammers in the morning! Yet wouldn’t these people claim legitimacy? “We’re paying!” they’d say. Sure you are. But you’re not paying what each guide is worth now, are you dearies? For a project that size, I’d be charging you a cool $4,000, for that’s about how much time I’d have into it – 40 hours at $100/hr. Worse, you have to come up with, and pay for, the book you’re to review. Thanks ever so much for the great offer, pseudo-employing scum!

Begone, you trollops of trashy jobs! If it takes only a competent reader and writer, do it yourselves! Thank goodness illegal aliens cannot speak the language lest you accost them with such “fabulous offers” of “employment”.

Rough? Harumph!

It’s been a busy week for Frump; hence my absence. I heard from a former client who was kind enough to copy me on a note to the publishing house. “Here is my VERY ROUGH DRAFT of my manuscript. I repeat; it’s VERY ROUGH.”

Frumpy loves this former client, but wonders why the emphasis on VERY ROUGH? For the project was, in her estimation, finished. I told client to get an editor before submitting it. It was a ghostwritten story put together through two phone conversations and a million emails. VERY ROUGH? Of course it will be! We had to stop because we’d long exhausted our time limits set in the contract. I quoted a new, lower fee to continue, and suddenly it didn’t seem to be the pressing issue it was before.

Alas, it is another case of clients sharing their projects with friends. Those well-meaning friends have told her it’s rough. Uh, yes. It is. It’s incomplete. 

Can we ever educate clients to understand that we cannot hand over perfection if we cannot finish what we started? FRUMP!

Editorial Review

There’s this editor, see. Good editor. Great editor, in fact. He’s got the talent, fer sure. He’s got something else, too. He’s got a streak of insecurity that runs for miles. For what else explains how the editor can talk with the Frump as a peer, only to end every conversation with some form of criticism or admonishment as to Frump’s latest article? Every conversation ends on a negative note. It would bother Frump if Frump had less experience or didn’t understand it. It happens. Editors are flawed people like you and me. This one is easily overlooked as it happens in another state and over the phone. Frump can hang up, utter “jerk” and move on.

You will come across flawed people in your work. You will come across insecure editors. Just hope it’s insecure talented editors like the one mentioned above and not, like one of my former colleagues, insecure, mediocre editors who have large body mass and small tolerance levels. Any editor who throws things, slams doors, and takes his insecurities out on younger talent does not deserve the editorial title, or any title for that matter. Dodging staplers and soaring books seems to require combat pay, wouldn’t you say?

Then there was the editor who thought Frump was a conquest. That Frump was very much attached to another seemed to be a personal insult to this otherwise talented and amicable editor, when in fact the editor was Frump’s superior and had no business even assuming Frump’s working relationship was a natural next step to the bedroom. Imagine his horror and outrage when Frump married. Oh, the hearts we break along the way.

 There was the poor, dear editor who altered, amended and otherwise marked up very good copy (not Frump’s, amen) in what must have been an attempt to justify her own existence. Adorable people are tough to despise, but she straddled the line on numerous occasions with her coworkers. “I’d rather it be phrased this way” may be valid in some instances, but not throughout a solid, very concise story. She frustrated nearly all the folks who otherwise liked her quite well.

Then there’s the editor who hasn’t a clue. Oh, we have had our dealings with those! One editorial claimant (for we cannot call this person a true editor) took a writer’s perfectly good sentences (again, not Frump’s) and reduced them to strings of fragments. He told the writer that it read better that way – “punchier.” Someone seems to have been punched once too often.

 But, dear people, the very best editor of all is the one Frump was most blessed to work with. She gave snippets of ideas with enthusiasm and leads. She inspired Frump to take the ideas and run with them. She even encouraged Frump to bring ideas to her and play with them until a fantastic story came of it. That, dear friends, is the editor you always wish you had. Frump’s luck in having this editor be her very first editorial “boss” was incredible. And this dear woman has set the standard that very few have reached since.

 Would that we all be blessed with this kind of guidance.

Labor Pains

The most adorably stupid ad appeared on Craig’s List yesterday.

“In depth articles and short features wanted for inTravel Magazine™, a new online travel magazine with forum. We can be found at: www.intravelmag.com 




Please submit travel stories on the following subjects: 


Romantic places: ‘in love’ 


Volunteering in other countries: ‘involved’ 


Traditional festivals, indigenous cultures, and unique cultural experiences: ‘indigenous’ 


Travel blunders: ‘inept’ 


Solo travel: ‘individual’ 


Travel on a budget: ‘inexpensive’, or the opposite: ‘indulge’ 


Reviews of unique B&Bs, inns, & small hotels: ‘innkeeper’ 


Reviews of yoga or meditation retreats or spiritual experiences: ‘inhale’
Interviews with travelers/travel writers/interesting people: ‘interview’


International school exchange experiences/living in another country: ‘interchange’ 


Reviews of international culinary festivals, local specialties, or unique restaurants: ‘in good taste’ 


Articles on natural wonders and how the natural world functions: ‘insight’ 


In depth stories of an extensive journey: ‘in-depth’ 



See our magazine for all our categories: www.intravelmag.com 




Also seeking: 


Travel photography showcases of a particular country, city, or area: ‘in focus’(submit 8-16 photos) 


One great photo: ‘indescribable’

Ongoing submissions: Feel free to send articles at any time.
Articles should be previously unpublished word or text files, all pictures should be in jpeg format for web publishing. Pictures should be sent as jpeg attachments rather than embedded in a word file. If you have an article with pictures you’d like to submit, but are unsure about formatting please contact us and we’ll help you out. All articles should include at least one picture and up to 12. Sorry, no pay, this is still a labor of love. We’ll send you a t-shirt, mousepad, or luggage tags if your article is chosen for publication. “

Isn’t that precious? They’re in labor, yet we writers and photographers are the ones who are in pain. Note the long list of requirements you have to fulfill in order to score that luggage tag. Why, I’m rushing right out and making my bid!

 A$$holes.

Is There an Expiration Date on Stupidity?

Dearest Client:

It was lovely receiving your note in response to my inquiry about my eons-overdue payment. That I asked you to write to talk about your project was brilliant on my part. That you wrote back and said something snide about there may not be a project because of all the editing problems was too vague.

Who are you unhappy with, dearie? For nine months ago, you were pleased enough to pay me at least part of my fee. Also, the subsequent months where I attached invoice after invoice, you did not express any upset or anger. In fact, you expressed nothing: not even a response, which is just rude, young man. That nine months later our conversations give birth to an upset is unfair, and it’s just stupid. You’re a grownup. If you don’t like something, you have to say so. Otherwise, you’ll be sitting there stewing and I won’t know if you’re happy, sad, alive, or dead.

It could be you’re not even upset with me, but I won’t know that until you do more than throw me a cyber bone alluding to upset. Did your publishing house cause the problem? Did the writer? Did I as the editor? Speak to me, dearie! For I cannot, and will not, be able to amend anything until you do. And there you’ll sit, thinking poorly of someone and brooding like a child. You’ve already let months pass between our interaction and this latest note (and it was at my prompting that you even bothered to contact me now). I’m here to say there is such a thing as a “sell by” date for most complaints. You, sir, are long past yours. Luckily for one of us, stupidity does not expire.

 Hugs and kisses,

Writing Frump