Pop! You’re a weasel.

Events have transpired, dear friends, to make this Frump wonder out loud why on earth some people are allowed to inhale. Yours truly had completed recently a grueling contract negotiations with a rather scattered soul. The contract negotiations, dears, were quite simple. The difficult part was getting the client to send the contract so work could begin. After three months of gentle reminders, Frump was able to secure the needed paperwork in order to start work.

It’s interesting the disregard some souls have for contract terms. Having been taught properly by her business professors, Frumpie knew that the terms of the contract were to be followed. Imagine how silly that seemed when the client came back a week after the ink had dried asking yours truly to lower the monthly price. That’s correct, dearies. The client said, “Can we keep the price to XYZ per week?” To which I guffaw and chortle endlessly, for dear client, you yourself came up with the payment terms and agreed, in writing, to the price!

While I want to accommodate you in the lean times, I have already lowered my price, temporarily, by 30 percent and have had to wrestle payment out of you twice before for previous projects. Your funding issues are unfortunate, but I shall not give away my work because you cannot operate a business correctly.

Get serious about your business, and get real. This Frump expects a company such as yours to be more professional than you’re proving yourself to be.

Frump off, bad planner!

I Missed the Memo Confirming Me Your Writing Bitch

Oh, where do some of these clients get their giddy little notions, dearies? Where in the gray matter that is the client brain do some get the signals so utterly befuddled that they believe all sorts of make-believe scenarios?

Once upon a time, Frumpie had a client who was delightful to work with, and work we did for a few years. Trouble came not long ago when Frumpie had to bid a sad adieu to said client because of the lack of professional boundaries. Frumpie was suddenly writing to please the whims of someone else – a person Frumpie did not know nor had ever been introduced to. Delightful client was shocked, promised reform and then promptly forgot those promises in the very next e-mail. Frumpie was forced to ignore a slew of e-mails, which totaled 44 in the end, as client took a bizarre tack and ignored the severed relationship. After a month, client did get the idea and stopped writing. That was a year ago.

I can only guess at the level of mind-altering substances ingested that may have caused the latest e-mail. Said delightful client has, after an entire year of nonexistent relations, sent an edit. Yes, an edit. On a new project. On the already-paid, long-exhausted prior project fee.

If I were able to reattach my jaw, I might ask the client exactly what she intends here and how much she intends to pay, for this here Frump does not start up conversations with the borderline insane without stating quite boldly her own working expectations. If I were intending to stick my hand under that figurative Bunsen burner again, I’d let the darling know my intentions are to avoid her at all costs. But this Frump learns her lessons. She shan’t go back there, not even to say “Are you joking?” for fear of encouraging the continuation of craziness.

Dear soul, I adore and admire you, but I shall not be your bitch. Frump off, my dear.

Missing the Love, Love?

Well just slap my backside and call me Betty. This Frumpie here was in danger of losing her mind due to oodles of work without oodles of time in which to complete said work. She looked at her client list and chose the one who paid least of all, the one with whom she’d had a long, good relationship with, but one from whom she would not see future fortunes. She wrote her note and bid fair client adieu.

Perhaps Frumpie’s problem is she holds clients in higher regard than they’ve earned. The client’s response was “Goodbye.” Alas, after four years of giving her best, Frumpie was rather shocked by the flippant manner in which she was dismissed. We didn’t expect ticker-tape parades or sobs and begging, but nary a “thank you” passed said client’s lips for the extra effort this Frump put forth. Instead, Frump felt as she had been feeling for some time with said client; the relationship was indeed one-sided and Frump’s performance, no matter how stellar, would always be up for discussion and hard examination.

It is confirmation indeed that we have made the proper choice. That, dearies, makes such choices easier. I shall no longer hold any feelings beyond newly-formed disinterest for this former client. Instead I shall seek out clients with whom Frumpie can conduct business that is mutually beneficial and appreciated on both sides of the equation.

Frump off, mean old client.

The Road to Confusion Needs a Really Big Detour

Oh dearies, I do believe that some of us live so far into confusion that sanity is a distant memory. Let’s take for example a dear soul of a client who is in a constant state of “Huh?” The sweetheart has a day planner, a Blackberry, an Outlook calendar and no idea how to use any of them to show up where he should be when he should be. In a precious, yet frustrating moment or three this week, this soul missed a face-to-face with yours truly: one he’d set up and one he was sure to miss, for he’s nothing if not utterly consistent.

Today’s giggle came when this same chap, again frazzled beyond what might be considered normal for an ultra-stressed person, was sent Frump’s fax number for expected documents to be sent, and proceeded to make three voice calls to it, fully aware that said number was indeed a fax number. It would have been overlooked as a simple mistake if he didn’t have Frump’s number already programmed into said Blackberry. It was also stated, twice, to this dear fellow that Frumpie was sending a fax number for document transfer purposes.

I’d be so worried if I relied on this gent for his attention to detail. Luckily for this Frump, he’s allowing me full control over my portion of his project. Otherwise, things could look like a hot mess sooner rather than later.

Passing the Buck Only Works if You Can Prove It’s All My Fault

Oh, how Frumpie was getting used to the carefree life! Having been blessed recently with a string of wonderful clients who behave like grownups, this dear soul was taken aback recently when one of the grownups took to a tantrum. Having what must be oodles of stress on his back, he sent Frump an angry note asking where his expected project was. Since we pass projects between us quite often, Frump held back minor panic and searched for said project. There it was tucked safely away in the Sent folder with a time stamp to show its sent status. Frump here forwarded it verbatim to said client and pondered the lack of delivery. It ended there.

Only it didn’t end there. Client, still in a kafluffle, replied that it was due two days prior and he never received it. Yes, that may be true. Still, I sent it two days prior and I didn’t know it wasn’t received. But he never received it! Yes, and it was sent. But….

Seeing the futility of the conversation, yours truly refrained from making any suggestions, including the uber-sensible one that the client acknowledge receipt of the completed project to avoid such Internet anomalies as mail that was sent but not received. No, such suggestions to angry people looking to pass the blame to blameless people will not be accepted kindly. We shall wait until the fire dies down and then make a suggestion.

Dear soul, I understand your dilemma and the deadlines you face. You understand, or at least I thought you did after three years, that I complete all my work on time. In this case where my records back up my statement, it’s clear that something bigger than both of us intervened. It happens. I suggest instead of trying to pin blame where it doesn’t make sense, please accept that forces in the universe larger than we are can sometimes muck things up royally. The force may be strong with you, but it can’t rewrite this little tale to make me the guy wearing the dark mask.

If Life Offered a GPS, You’d Be The One I’d Buy It For

Frumpie has a lovely client for which she has completed a few projects. The dear soul has a brilliant mind, a wonderful background in her field, but she has no concept of time. It is a dilemma reaching epic proportions, for this dear soul takes great pains to schedule meetings and then never shows up.

This week and last, this Frump sat on empty conference calls, music lulling in the background, while I waited for the expected no-show client. Because this client has made only one of nearly a dozen phone calls that she’s arranged, I had another assignment in front of me to salvage the time otherwise wasted by this dear woman’s inability to be anywhere outside her own head. After ten minutes, I hung up and went about my business, ignoring the expected frantic calls that came in an hour later, for she is nothing if not repentent. I shall not waste another client’s time because this scattered soul cannot make her own meetings.

Dear, clueless client. You need to know that each time I am forced to wait with no result I shall add that time waiting to your next invoice. Also, each time I’m stranded in the same manner, I will knock a few minutes off my wait time. I shall not sit idly by when it’s obvious you are not anywhere near remembering where you need to be. A hint – your shoes are probably on your feet and your glasses are probably on your head.

Oh, and please refrain from leaving three-minute messages on my voice mail. I have already spent enough time dawdling with you, dear.  Either hire a manager and an assistant who can make sure you get to your meetings  on time or learn how to organize your life better.

Oh No You Din’t!

Dearest Fired Client:

Sweetheart, I adore you. You have a wonderful personality, a nice demeanor, but dear, you have no head for business. For what would possess a sane business person that he would turn to his writer and devalue her work? And honeybuns, you did the moment you said “But your work from project to project is similar, so I can’t really see paying you more for this job than that one.” As you put it, writing is writing and there shouldn’t be a difference in price.

That the first job was a small piece for your web log and the second a targeted press release didn’t seem to matter to you. You actually said “We have to fix the difference in pay.” Seriously? I’m tickled beyond hope, for now you may actually pay me what I’m worth on the blog job!

But who am I kidding? You want me to get paid 1/8th the value of the press release work. And hey, let’s ignore the multiple edits you require because you won’t ask your colleagues until AFTER the fact for their input. By the way, doll, when you change the subject of the release, it really IS a new project and I do get to charge you for a new project.  You agreed in writing to the price and no amount of debate after I deliver the  invoice will change that. Plus, it is a real waste of my time. And it’s the reason I cannot work for you any longer, dear.  For anyone who ignores the contractual facts in order to get something for nothing… well, that, darling, is inexcusable.

Hugs and fond farewells,

Frumpie

Let’s Cut Out the Expert, Shall We?

Dear New and now Former Client:

Thank you for contacting me recently to complete your project. I was honored to have you for the short time I did. For now, your friends have taken over.

Per our agreement, you are no longer my client. I suspect this pleases you almost as much as it pleases me, for I shall no longer work with a bevy of the uninformed, the wanna-be crowd, or the arrogant few who believe they know everything better than the experts. Our contract states quite plainly that it is you and I who work together, not you, I, and everyone you deem smart enough from which to take free advice.

Perhaps, sweet, clueless soul, you can explain this to me. Why did you agree to pay me, the person with the extensive background in your very project area, then take advice from someone who has no experience? There is this odd little vortex you have entered, much like a few other clients in this Frump’s past, wherein my training becomes second, and oftentimes fifth or sixth, to the advice of your gang of friends, colleagues, acquaintances and the like. Am I saying they are all wrong? No. I’m saying it’s insulting to me, the professional, to be second-guessed thanks to the well-intentioned-but-entirely-inappropriate advice of unpaid, unskilled friends. It’s also damaging to your project. While one or two comments could be valid, my experience has proven that most comments are self-serving and do no more than lead you astray from your project goal, a goal you and I set together and worked quite diligently toward. For now, dear soul, you are not listening to well-honed advice. You’re trying to please everyone in the process.

Alas, that, my dear soul, shall never work. Au contraire, the fact is your inclusion of all these extras will end up in a project that pleases no one, most importantly not you. For how can any one project with a dozen voices sound anything like the person who’s footing the bill?

And yes, my dear, you still owe me despite our now-defunct relationship. For this Frump, having been down this road so many times she knows all the signposts, has a contract that guarantees her payment should you bring in anyone not listed on that original contract.

I shan’t be bitter, for it’s not my end product. I shall mourn the loss of a good amount of collaboration and work, but the money you pay me will help ease my grief. I hope that this experience has been a learning one for you. The moral of this story is clear; if you are paying a professional, place your trust where you money is. Otherwise, you’ll be Frumped.

Hugs,

The Frump

Can You Just Pull My Hair Out For Me This Time?

Exasperating clients are uncommon, but dears, here comes the same old same old from a client who doesn’t see it in his horoscope to pay Frumpie a decent amount. We’ve finished with him, but that doesn’t stop him from returning like a boomerang on steroids, this time to let me know what his entire management staff wants to inject into the one-page project. The entire management staff, not the CEO or the VP. Everyone from the CEO to the Assistant to the VP. Now this sad little client wants Frumpie to wade through hyperlinks –yes, he sent hyperlinks–and translate what seven different managers think needs to go into a news release. Oh yes, dearies, this is no more than a release.

One comment gave Frumpie instant wrinkles and grayer hair than usual: “It’s good, but we need to knock it out of the park.” No, dearie, it’s a news release. You need to stop overthinking and get it circulating before it’s old news, for it’s been two weeks since we last put fingers to keyboard on it.

It’s the final straw in an already heaping pile of dung. Thank you, former client, for giving me a rather large, unnecessary headache at the end of an otherwise lovely week.

Frump you!

Three to Five Years of ESP Required

Dear hearts, once again Frumpie is taken aback by bad client behavior. This particular thorn has punctured my side for the last time.  He lovedour first draft – love, love, LOVE! Then suddenly, he’s unhappy. Pour quoi? Because Frump does not possess the ESP skills necessary to know about information he’d never supplied. Why isn’t X on there? Where is Y? This Frump suspects those letters are hanging out with Z, for they never made an appearance in this project until now. And now Frumpie is wasting valuable work time showing said client all documentation, which does not include his lettered items. Yet he’s still making noise about Frump’s inability to “get” what he does.

I sense the presence of a friend or relative, dear ones. Someone somewhere has reviewed this chap’s project and has found it in themselves to become instant editors, for why else would a perfectly good project with a satisfactory outcome suddenly go awry? Why would Frumpie’s work to date, which is perfectly within the boundaries of said project’s supplied information, be questioned and called inadequate?

We can smell the stench of a client about to bolt and attempt nonpayment. Too many times than I care to remember I have faced the client whose friends say something like “Just get rid of her and we’ll write it for you for free.” Alas, we have contracts and common sense on our side, so his attempts will fall short, I’m afraid. While he may indeed end our working relationship with no problem, he may not end it without proper compensation per the terms of the agreement.

Or he could simply stop asking his friends for advice.

Now isn’t that a novel idea?