Perhaps I Could Lick Your Boots While I’m At It?

Occasionally Frumpie is employed to write a client’s resume. In general this can be quite enjoyable work, for one gets to know the client and can connect with the client in an unusual and eye-opening way. Yet eye-opening isn’t always a pleasant thing.

Frumpie is a stickler for using correct words, mind you. What Frumpie isn’t is ANAL about it. Like most writers, I understand when it’s not worth it to overthink it. If I didn’t know that, I’d die of writer’s block on my first sentence.

However, one client in particular has become an expert: a professional writer, don’t you know. Or so she thinks. For the record, she is not a professional writer. In fact, in trying to understand what it is she does for a living, she’s unable to tell me. Oh, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t know! Heavens no, dearies. I should have read her mind instantly, done a complete psychological profiling of her and determined exactly what it is she does from the snippets of old resume garbage she’s seen fit to pass my way. If she’s schizophrenic about her experience, how on earth is Frumpie going to figure it out?

Yet that has not stopped her from fussing about how “weak” Frumpie’s writing is.  She’s quite superior to me, you know. She doesn’t need me for anything more than that lovely grinding sound as she turns the toe of her stiletto on top of my character. I don’t get her AT ALL, she fumes. I don’t know what I’m doing, she charges. My word choices do not express the position in life she holds. She’s better than I am, and I’m too stupid to understand her or convey how special she is properly. So she’s going to go out of her way to humor me and to show me how to do my job.

Such a sweet, charming soul. I cannot imagine why you would need a resume, what with that delightful personality you possess. Frump you, you cow.

Perhaps It’s Your Endearing Charm

A client just blasted Frumpie for messing up her project. She was so upset that Frumpie didn’t give her back a dynamic product. Oh dear soul, I’d have loved to do that, but when you don’t answer my questions and you refuse to supply necessary information - the same information you’re now b*tching isn’t in there - my hands are tied. What I really love is that you reference things I wrote for you, and you get them wrong. If you cannot get the facts correct in what’s presented to you, how do you expect Frumpie to get it right?

You’re upset because your business is slow right now and you can’t secure more work. Given the thrashing you just delivered to yours truly, I can only conclude that your approach is the bigger issue. We can make your materials look stunning, but we cannot change your personality, nor will we take the blame for your lack of people skills.

Frump off, you griping pain.

Cheetahs Never Prosper, but Snakes Sure Try

Frumpie is relieved to report that dearest client has appeared to have received the message. No communication with her for the past two to three weeks. I still mourn the loss of her, but not the way in which it all occurred.

One client who has become quite chatty is the one who owes Frumpie long-overdue cash. See, this client thinks dangling  carrot after carrot of new deals in front of a horse will lead it farther and farther away from the original notion, which was that he owes me money. However, he’s dangling carrots in front of a carnivore, for Frumpie here is about to grill him and serve him up sizzling. He has been given his final warning. He shall hear next from the Frump Attorney, who has a meaner streak than Frumpie herself.

Maybe it’s old age, for Frumpie has lost all patience and humor with client snakes. I care not for excuses and pie-in-the-sky offers. I care more about where my money is and why it’s not here as long-ago promised. Pray, dearies. Pray that Frumpie manages to secure her money without leaving too much of a verbal bloodbath behind.

If You Bite So Many Hands, How Will You Ever Be Fed?

There are some blogs devoted to sassy repartee exposing irreverent client woes, which I love (and attempt to emulate here). My favorite is Irreverent Freelancer’s Screw You! site. I get giggles and vicarious pleasure from the straightforward way Irreverent Freelancer dishes out a helping of humble pie to bad-behaving clients. She is tactful; she does not name any one person directly unless provoked (which we will get into in a moment).

However, there are blogs devoted to just being mean and nasty to clients, which I don’t love at all. I have seen two this week alone dedicated to publicly chastising others for no good reason. One was a snide series of posts directed at a writer who demanded promised payment from the other writer. The blog owner herself admitted to owing the writer, yet her public response bashed the writer’s credibility, her talent, her friendship, and even called her a few names. Tsk, tsk. Playground tactics. Another blog posted the blog owner’s correspondence with a client who rejected her work. What looked like an average, professional rejection to yours truly was interpreted by the blog owner to be a broken promise. The blog owner warned all people in cyberspace to avoid said company. Shameful.

This is all so very different from giving it to deserving heels! On the Screw You! site, there is a healthy dose of respect for said heels. That the blog owner has named names is in no way the same as these others I speak of. No, for dearest Irreverent Freelancer names names only after trying in vain to secure payment and instead securing no more than an old-fashioned run-around. Her public outing of these people is a tactic meant to embarrass them into remitting payment, and I fully support that. It is her due, and they should have paid ages ago. In that case, dear ones, the client is in need of some public shaking. I do know the Irreverent Freelancer does a good deal of soul searching before posting the name of the offender. She is shooting from the hip, but she’s making sure her aim is exactly so.

There is a line we must not cross, dearies. That line is one of professionalism and respect for the party we are not working well with. While it is perfectly acceptable to post one’s issues with clients, it is not acceptable to name that client outright and label him/her/it as a scam artist. Unless that client owes you money that has not been forthcoming in ages, you do not have the right to bring forth such harsh, and possibly off-base criticism. In fact, even then it’s just not cool. The Irreverent Freelancer does not label anyone scofflaws, scam artists, or any other unsavory description. She states the obvious; this person owes money and has owed money for quite a while. In a way, it’s more of a publicly viewed invoice than an actual outing, but I do digress.

This blog is, and will remain my place to vent my frustrations (and yours, if you wish) without causing any undue harm to a client or a client’s reputation. I would suggest to all writers and freelancers that they keep a modicum of control over their tempers and their words.  In the end, if we hurt our clients consistently, we hurt ourselves. Is that not so?

I’ll Take a Clue for 100, Alex

We don’t enjoy watching people ignore the obvious, so it is with a large amount of relief that Frumpie can now say the dearest one has finally stopped writing.  We hold our breath as we say that, for we cannot be sure that the guilty one isn’t just busy elsewhere. Still, it has been over a week and the In Box has been silent.

Another silence has occurred with another client. This one is not a welcome silence, for this not-so-dear soul owes Frumpie compensation for hard work delivered on time. Is it not also appropriate for client to deliver payment on time? Apparently not, for here we are three billing cycles later, dragging in attorney names to get said client’s attention.

What this client is not privy to is Frumpie’s collection process. We have been victim of the non-paying person more times than we care to count, so we were forced early on to adopt measures we would take in order to collect what we have a right to collect. We are diligent with our collection process, as all writers should be, and we will resort to legal action or collection should it come to that. It has nearly come to that. The non-payer has exactly ten days to get the check in the mail lest we send in the legal hounds.

We are awaiting the response, which will probably claim lost addresses, lost invoices, or some other issue that means nothing to Frumpie. Frumpie has an answer for this client; Payment is overdue and you must remit ASAP. The question, clueless client, is as clear as Final Jeopardy; Why is Frumpie’s attorney knocking, and why so loudly?

Even Boomerangs Sometimes Go Away…

Here it is, one week plus change later and the fired dearest client is still returning. We’re counting 20 emails so far, but we do suspect we’ve yet to receive more. We went zero days without communication from her and gosh almighty, Frumpie is so very tired of it all.

We cannot write back. No dearies, that would be engaging in a fruitless conversation. Frumpie here fears that any contact with the former client would encourage the continuation of this unwanted behavior. As expected, Frumpie has received mention of the next payment due. Oh goodness gracious, can we not understand that the words Frumpie wrote in finality were indeed final? Perhaps because client is a flip-flopper on her word being solid she assumes Frumpie is, too. However, Frumpie has not encouraged the repeated communication, nor has Frumpie responded to any of the emails containing work, questions, pleas, etc. Frumpie has let her final word stand, yet someone doesn’t understand that.

We do suspect it will end. When is a mystery, as this has outlasted any other attempts at engagement Frumpie as ever experienced. Even the ex-husband gave up after a while. Luckily, he was not cut from the same cloth as dearest former client is.

Stay tuned for the next phase of our cycle.

If Passive-Aggression Had a Poster Child…

Oh my heavens, dearies. Things are getting more bizarre by the moment. It has been a few days since yours truly said a sad farewell to her dear client. Since that time there have been emails, yet not exactly the kinds of emails one might expect from a recently-fired person.

At first Frumpie here did get the “sorry it’s not working for you” note. Amen. In my heart of hearts I did not want to part at all, yet had little choice given the increasingly out-of-control atmosphere and the apparent fibs I’d been told regarding our client’s cleaning up of the problems I’ve made you somewhat privy to in prior posts. I was so delighted and relieved to see she understood. Yet what came afterward was shocking. Just utterly, jaw-droppingly shocking.

Oh, there were no accusations or harsh words. No no. This dear client is, as I said, a dear soul who would not resort to such unprofessional behavior (or at least not yet). What did appear were numerous notes trying to “fix” an already shattered situation. Frumpie did not respond, for I’d said all there was to say.

Yet here it is a few days later and dear client is sending notes containing … more work. Yes, dearies. She’s not taking my “no” seriously. In fact, she’s pretending it never happened perhaps. I cannot say, for I do not understand this particular approach to getting one’s way. It really does baffle me.

It is also saddening to me. I do adore her. I do admire her. But I cannot continue. I don’t feel I can regain the trust I felt was compromised in this arrangement, for I do believe I wasn’t given the straight poop when I was promised things would change. (As they say, “duh”.)

If I learned anything at all over my numerous years on this rock, it is that you do not encourage or respond to unwanted behavior. So my last transmission to my dear client was all I plan to expend on this situation. I hope some day to meet her, and to give her a hug and a “I’m so sorry we couldn’t finish together” message. Until that time, I shall float out of the picture as a cloud might list through an otherwise sunny sky.

Ode to Hall and Oates

She’s gone.

My dearest client has been let go by Frump here. Oh, but I did not want to do that. Yet dearies, she left me no choice. I was willing to ignore the unwanted third-party advice, but today’s emails contained his rewrites and additional copy. Yes, entire sections that were to be edited in and made to fit her style to his words. And of course he would be providing final editorial input on those changes.

Do we not see how that can never be? How can one edit to please the paying client and the nonpaying third party she’s placed her trust (and her project) in? How? There are two issues. One is the obvious; one cannot please a posse. The other is almost equally as obvious; one does not want to please a posse. For then one’s function becomes the same as a mouse running from trap to trap, looking for the prize, yet knowing somewhere along the way, one wrong move will spell the end.

I shall miss her. She is a delightful woman. Yet as Darryl and John wrote, “She’s gone… I’d better learn how to face it.”

Try Smiling When You Call Me an Idiot

We all love a good client story, right? This isn’t one of them. No dearies, this is yet another bad client story involving a silly man who needed a resume written. Frumpie asked for specific information. He provided sparse amounts of information, so Frumpie was expected to make a thoroughly impressive resume from unavailable content. And wouldn’t you know, he didn’t like it. Such a shock!

He chastised Frumpie shamelessly about how upset he was. It wasn’t right! he said. The information was incorrect! he said. Yet did he provide clarity? That would be a no. For he spent valuable time and space getting snippy with Frumpie. Frumpie sent a note back asking for clarification. His response: “This is NOT where the client was!” Fine. But where was the client he worked for? Oh, Frumpie had to pull out tarot cards and crystal balls, for he was not offering the information. Another complaint: “I worked on the executive team. How does this description make ANY SENSE?” (caps were his emphasis, not mine) Oh, I would fix this for you in a New York minute if only you’d stop your virtual yelling and supply me with the proper information.

In reality, he had three areas of his resume he felt were wrong. Three small wording issues. I have shared two of those with you. The other was a “no, say it this way instead.” Yet the reaction made me think his extensive experience and need for my services were in direct proportion to his lack of people skills.

Frump you, resume client. I hope your next employer does to you what you do to the others working for you. That would be a superb match of skills-to-job.

Frump Needs You

Dearies, Frumpie is facing a slightly annoying and potentially nightmarish situation, so she’s turning to you for advice. Dearest client is going forward with a project and including a third party in her editorial process. This is a person who has already given her bad advice and who has no connection to Frumpie whatsoever. While he did manage to see a few areas that yours truly has been trying desperately to get said client to amend, he’s also giving her horrid advice that she’s abiding.

 Frumpie is not interested in going forward with this project if this editorial-oversight-board-of-one-lousy-noneditor is part of the formula. I am the paid professional; he is the person she’s trying to impress in hopes he will drop everything and promote her book. For free.

Help me. Help this harried Frumpie find the words to tell her it cannot continue. I shan’t be interested in severing all ties with this client. I merely want to make it clear and firm that this man’s presence is not acceptable. Why I need you; I cannot do it with in my current emotional state, nor do I want to come across as someone stomping a foot. I would be ever so grateful if you could help me draft a tactful message.

Many blessings, dearies.